Almost dying March of last year messed me up. It made me depressed. I tried to pretend everything was fine but it wasn’t. Everyone constantly saying “You scared us. Don’t do that again” didn’t help. It kind of made me feel like somehow I should have had control over what happened even though I couldn’t have. No one ever asked me how I was doing emotionally but everyone liked saying how they felt. It would make me angry and more depressed.
You would think almost dying would put my life in perspective or make me realize that life is short and I should live it but I didn’t feel that way. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to deal with anything. I pretended to be happy just so people would leave me alone or for those I cared for not to worry more. I’m not saying that every day I was an emotional mess because there were a few good days.
I really didn’t have anyone to talk to. I could have talked to my best friend but she had a lot going on and I didn’t want to bother her. I could have talked to my husband but after what I put him through in the hospital I didn’t want to make him feel worse or make him worry more. Instead I just wrote in my journal. Then one day after so much crying and sadness I realized “I’m alive and I can still thankfully do whatever I want to do”. So I decided to try my best to be happier and thankfully there are a lot more happy days now. I’m also more motivated to do things. So now I’m just going to slowly work on being happier and be more motivated and hopefully by this time next year I will be emotionally ok.